Well this weekend has been okay so far. not much to boast about. Just been very upset lately due to stress and some things going on here at home. Well, i'm planning on moving out. I don't know how or where or with who or what! My mother and I had an agreement that my 17 year old nephew(who is soon to be released from jail) would not be coming back to live with us again. (due to the $400 worth of money and stolen items from my room, not to mention the utter disrespect and laziness of him). I pay half(sometimes more) of the bills in this house. I cannot afford my money or other items to be stolen. I can't afford shit like that. So we agreed that he would be living with his mother. Well of course my mom doesn't even ask my opinion or how i feel about things, and went ahead and is going to let him come live here again. Now my exact words were "mom, if you let him come live here again, i'm moving out!" She said she understood, but what now? so i say i'm moving, and all she has for me is" Devon, you need to learn to forgive. Every one makes mistakes and deseves a second chance." Maybe that is true, but for the past 8 years this has been going on, and he has been put out, sent to detention centers, the whole nine, this is going on his 20th chance. Honestly, i don't have any compassion. No feeling besides anger. Call me an unforgiving asshole if you want, but i just don't care. I know my mom will have triuble making ends meet without me footing most of the bills here, but hey, she's a fucking adult, and she blew her chances with me. It's been 22 years of "well Devon can do it on his own" and" I have to do for my grandkids Devon, they need me." well what about me!!! All my life I have had to fend for myself. I had to teach myself everything. College came up, and i had no kind of help with applications, financial aid, nothing at all. I figured it out and mailed and did everything all by myself. Then when things got rough and i got depressed and i didn't know how to handle things, and debt started pouring in.....usually your parents look at that stuff and call the school, or tell you things aren't going right or something. NOPE!!! Not for me! No calls, no help no nothing. Now i'm in rediculous debt because i didn't know what to do about things, i have an anxiety disorder that barely allows me to talk to athority figures or even talk to bill collectors on the phone, and all i get is.."Did you take out the garbage yet....You gotta have you half of the rent next week ready."
Never any How was your 10 hour day at work. Never any do you need help with your bills that you didn't even create nor were your fault. It's always what can Devon do for me! It's not only my mother. It's been many people in my past, and most have been family members. Well i'm sick and fucking tired of it, and i need to let go. I need to move away and never come back to this god for saken place! Once next year hits, i'm gone. So you better get to know me now, because i'm leaving and never coming back here. Wherever there is the name Tramell or Howard, don't expect to see me around. And as for my father, he can still kiss my ass and go to hell! There is no redemption for the bullshitters at heart and the fucking skum liars of the earth. Way to forget my birthday every year since i was born, tell me i'm not your son when i was three, and then start a new family and call someone who you have no fucking relation to your favorite kid! Hope you die lonely!
Sorry if that was too much info for some of you. But i just needed to get it off my chest. I'm pretty depressed right now cause of all this shit, and i just needed to say what i feel. I know many of you can relate to certain parts of it, and i know everyone has their own problems. Mine have just been repressed for too laong, and i can't take it any longer. I'm going to bed, and hopefully i'll feel better in the morning.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
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6 comments:
(Amy) *hug*
Devon, i'm very sorry that you are going through that. It's sad to see a man suffering this way, and more when he didn't do anything to deserve it.
But well, you know all this, i don't think you don't need to hear how good you are or how well you are doing things.
I agree with Quinn in one thing, and it is that you have to forgive. As your mom says too, you have to learn to forgive. But the thing is that you have to do it for the right reasons. And what are the right reasons? YOU, only you. Forgive your nephew, forgive your father, forgive all friends and family members who are doing wrong to you. Forgive them all to free yourself, to be able to sleep at nights. Forgive them not because they deserve it or because they asked for your forgiveness. Some of them don't even deserve it, i know, but you do deserve to live just the way you want. And the only way to do that is to be the owner of your life. Control your feelings and emotions. Right now you are allowing all those people to influence you. Have in mind that you are the only person who can take care of you and the one that will never leave.
If you think that leaving home right now is the solution to all that, ok, make a plan to know how you are going to do it.
But maybe, just maybe, leaving home is just a way to run away from problems. And i understand what you might think now, that you are too tired to face all that.
My modest opinion is that the solution is inside you, in your emotions, in your thouhts, in the way you face life and allow things and people to influence over you.
Z.A.
Thanx for all your support and feedback. I really appreciate it. To respond to the last comment, i think that the right thing for me to do is move out. It's not reaaly running away from me feelings to me. It's just that, if i don't, i will continue to be walked over while i sit here and pay bills. I have a right to have my property protected in my own house especially when i pay most of the bills here. So by staying i think it just allows me not to face my reality even more. By leaving i show that i will not tolerate that kind of disrespect, and i need to do that for myself. you see...I feel better when i take charge of my life, and i think that would be a huge step for me, because i have had to deal with it all my life, and i have freed myself from people who wrong me or don't respect me, but i have never been able to do that for my family. So i think that this will be a step in the right direction rather than avoiding things. But i see where your coming from though.
I understand what you are saying. It's your life and nobody knows better than you what to do. You said you feel better when you take charge of my life, good Devon, that is a good start. And it's part of what i was saying earlier, when you take charge of your life, you control your emotions, you control everything in your life. And obviously, you never want to do anything to make you feel bad or sad. So continue in that way, take more and more control over your life.
Ok, so now let's start working for what you want. Make a plan. I have 4 questions that are very usefull, they helped me.
Ask yourself:
1.- What do i want? -think and answer yourself
2.- What do i have to do to have it? -think and answer yourself
3.-How will i feel when i finally have it? -think and answer yourself
4.- So what is what i really want?-the answer of the 4th question
And now that you did it once, repeat the questions to yourself, do it as many times as you need, being honest with yourself in all of them.
Z.A.
Yeah, everybody makes mistakes lol
Typo:
4.- So what is what i really want?-the answer of the 4th question
And i meant:
4.- So what is what you really want?-the answer to the 3th question
i see! I was kinda like...huh? to the 4th one. now it makes sense. Actually asking myself those questions has work a little bit already. thanks a lot!
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