Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Mixed emotions

I'm listening to Wynton's new cd The Magic Hour. It's the best one so far. It's just so relaxed and layed back. Everyone needs to listen to this stuff. It gives you a feeling of empty warmth. You close your eyes and nothing you have ever expirienced comes over your soul and all you can do is smile, and feel that for this moment, everything will be ok.
Right now i'm trying so very hard to figure out what i really would like to do in my life. I want to be the drummer for some R&B singer, and tour forever, i want to be a recording engineer/producer somewhere in NYC, and i also want to be a cook and own my own music resturaunt. Each is so far off from the next, and i just don't know what i want to commit to. After Getting fucked at Eastman, I didn't feel that i was worth anything anymore. In a sense i still feel that way. But all in all, i just don't know where to turn nor what to do. People think i'm a very stable and together person, but if you were in my mind, i think you would go crazy. I have an anxiety disorder, I'm hydrophobic, I'm lactose intolerant, i'm 40% deaf in my right ear, i've heard a constant high pitched Eb in my head 24/7 ever since i was 13. I mean, all of this is minor compared to the worst that can happen. I am still thankful for my life, and wouldn't trade it for anything or anyone! It's just really hard sometimes to feel worth a damn when your life was amazing 4 years agao, and now you pretty much almost don't exist to yourself.
On a brighter note, I'm practicing drums and teaching a shit load of lessons more!! I just got 4 new trumpet students, and i'm playing drums in 4 different groups now. I'm feeling prettu good about my musical abilities, it's just applying them to what i REALLy want to do. The buisness aspect is where it gets tricky. I'm just going to get my name out there so no one has a choice not to think of or call me. I'll make it to where i want to be someday, but right now i think i need to be the way i am so i can become stronger. Everything in my life in these past 4 years has broken me down to nothing, and has humbled me more than i could have every imagined. I've been kind to people and a good person all my life, but i have never really thanked god for everything i have recived. I need to take more time to do that, because i don;t have to be here. i could die at this very second. i may be gone tommorow. I need to start making things the way i want them to be if i die. Fuck what if's!! It's ok to wonder, but you have to do what is more important first, because if you let it go, it may not be there 4 years down the line to come rescue you from your what if!

1 comment:

D.Amouhd Tramell said...

Thanx a lot bro. I really appreciate that!